Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Welcome home
wow. its like eternity since my last blog. hello. hello darkness my old friend, i've come to talk with you again..
The deeper the sorrow, the less toungue it hath (Talmud). Not really, maybe just contemplating, sort of a winter hibernation but already passed summer and still here I am, in the wilderness, basking the eternal sunshine of my beloved place. This is my first post since I resigned from my job in India. I dont really understand the reason for my long silence, maybe i cant write it here because still everything is hazy, but whatever it maybe, I have the obligation to blog! as I am trying to create one own meaning for myself. For a long time I have lived in 2 places. Whenever I am is the wrong place for half of me embraced the rich conflictedness of things.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
hernia et al..
Can’t sleep due to cough and the associated pain it brings to my recently operated wounds. So every cough is a struggle, trying to make it a small cough (like the one you hear from a cat) as possible but still feeling my insides coming outside. I had hernia operation a week ago, I’ve had both sides already, the bandage is gross looking so I removed it yesterday, that is the first process, to remove the bandage and lick my lips for the excruciating pain, my eyes rolling but not seeing anything, but never mind the pain, I remember talking to myself, you have to look, but I don’t want to look at it, again thinking, you have to deal with this, and the first is to stop thinking anything else and to look at it. Dear Lord, they’re not nice, 3 incision wounds, they told me it’s a hitech process, instead of the normal 5 inches “open surgery”, they made “key hole” 3 incisions in the skin using an instrument called laparoscopy. The kind of stuff u always see on Reality TV. The doctor told me it’s tension free (that’s why the price is double) but later I realized that in terms of pain after the surgery, it was 3 times than the normal procedure because instead of one, I have 3 holes in my stomach. I remember the first night that even breathing is as difficult as climbing mount everest. Back to the bandage thing, first time I got a closer look of the one in my navel, looks like a roasted pig skin to me, ok, get the betadine and clean it, no, I feel nauseated, I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. That’s the problem with me, I have this phobia with wounds or blood or something like that(or just the image of west visayas state hospital on my mind) , again, second courage. I took the betadine solution, pour it over a gauze and rub it on the wounds and throw the gauze on air. I went to sleep. That day, I had just given my resignation to the company, made a courageous call to the boss and that’s it. Maybe I put all my pressure to myself that I decided to clean my wounds that day, like hitting two birds, but with two stones. Both not so easy or maybe the deadly cocktails of antibiotics and pain killers made me strong that day (just like the kind of high you get when you pass math 11..)
Still I cant sleep, staring at the mirror in front of me while on my bed, I look like a zombie. Listening (partly), to the Righteous Brothers, maybe they will help me sleep, but thoughts wandering in and out about the things that could happen with my decision and begun asking what life really means to me. My cough bringing intervals to my thoughts so often and as I reach for a glass of water rested on my back near the closed window my mind landed on the soft music that fills the room. You’ll Never Walk alone. Wow, really, when your in pain, u also became so deadly philosophical, mushy mushy and little bit stupid. Sad that life came without instructions like the one we easily read on shampoo labels, but whatever decision, I should say, I did it my way. I will get my freedom next month. Hmm, time to sleep now, must be the cough syrup working this time, a new song humming on my head…(oh it’s sad to be alone, help me make it through the night).
Sunday, September 24, 2006
The wind of change is blowing
We're like this only. They always say it here in India, It's maybe on the part of our culture to just accept our "fate' or a pure sign of our philosophical resignation by just saying "we're like this only". But deep inside is a scream that no! we're not like this only(for christsake!). Talking about myself, i failed to anticipate the long term needs to change. Always my plans will be on the table and on a drafting stage for years because I talk too much, unwilling to go to the starting line and face the most difficult yet crucial part, the start. Taking the initiative to start. I became delusionary, spending hours a day in a fantasy worlds escaping the painful realities of life which is a part of the problem.rantings about how unjust the world is but fail to see myself as a part of it.
"Leaving a lifeI have no right to leave,to look life in the face and to know for what it is"I was an angry man always, but I begun to understand my anger and transform it. I begun to appreciate the beautiful things in life and begun to understand that I deserve more and that I can change my concept of living. I understand what I really need and work for it. I always feel before that I am suffering from acute feeling of time poverty, like being busy and fatigue is a badge of honor to please somebody, the more stress, the more feeling that I did a good work (for others) and started to forget my life. Now I want change and to change, I need an Overwhelming Force to do this.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Lost and Found
Wow, what a break.. I almost lost my username and password, It's been a while, months since my last blog. I went to Africa..(just my wish). Life became so routine, trying to do something different but not so successful so far. It's so astonishing how things became so normal when people are complaining how the world became so wronged. Instead of complaining about it, i just went outside and do something about it.I'm just living the day like any other day, watching the lion eat the gazelle (in tv), and trying to reach out for opportunities. "If you can't beat them dont join them "attitude. I'm talking about my work. It will be my 10th anniversay next month(to make it more romantic even if it's not!) and I hope before that day comes, I will be out of it.
you will never be happy
if you continue to search
for what happiness consists of.
you will never live if
you are looking for the meaning
of life
--- Albert Camus
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
...So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end,be afraid that it will never begin.
Got this lines from my email. It was nice so I copy pasted it here . Im in Manila right now, just nothing to do much and trying to kill time. Better watch a movie maybe.